I have been debating writing this post for a while now. Part of me doesn't want to be "that girl." The one who rants about her problems, tries to solve social issues, or offers a seriously personal opinion. But the other, much stronger, part of me wishes that someone would write about how I feel. I can't keep waiting for someone to come around. I have to share what has been on my mind.

Pregnancy is by far one of the most beautiful experiences I have ever been a part of. I am growing, nurturing, and sheltering a human being. A real life person like you and me is going to come into this world and they started out inside my belly. Its an amazing, complex process that brings me closer to our Creator. However beautiful and spiritually strengthening this process is, pregnancy is hard. And the hardest part of this wonderful process has been seeing my body change completely. So I would like to write this post to help women, like me who struggle to love their bodies while pregnant.

Before I was pregnant, I was amazed by pregnant women. I thought they were so beautiful. There was something so soft, warm, and nurturing about their appearance. They looked like glowing angels. Anytime I heard a pregnant woman complain about her appearance, it made me sad. Doesn't she know how beautiful she is? Her body is so amazing for creating a human being. Fast forward a few years, when I first found out I was pregnant. I read tons of blogs about what to expect while expecting. I read things like morning sickness sucks, prepare to be tired every day, your body is going to change completely. I obviously knew my body was going to change. I had seen a pregnant person before. I knew my belly would get big and I would probably be waddling for the last part of my pregnancy. But nothing could have prepared me for what was actually about to happen to my body.

Of course I started preparing early to help avoid the "unwanted" symptoms of pregnancy like stretch marks and excessive weight gain. I bought lots of lotions (that is the way to avoid all stretch marks of course). I watched what I ate (or really just ate anything that didn't make me want to throw up all over my bathroom floor). I exercised as much as could (whenever I didn't feel like I was dying of the stomach flu). Directions for a picture perfect pregnancy apply lotion, eat healthy, exercise often I realized were actually more like "maybe this will work for you, but probably not" guidelines.

I remember the first time I got a stretch mark. It was on my hip. It was small and dark red and really sensitive to touch. I cried. It seemed so petty to cry about a stretch mark. But at that moment I knew I was not going to be one of those Instagram Worthy moms. I wasn't going to look like a model with a balloon under her dress. I wasn't going to be posting selfies in a bathing suit. I was going to be hiding my new stretch marks and trying vigorously to eliminate them. Seeing pregnant women I knew who didn't have stretch marks, made me ashamed of my body.  Why can't I be like them? It's not fair. It made me partially resentful of my pregnancy and I hate saying that. I don't know why I was so ashamed of my stretch marks, because honestly I wasn't bothered by them really. I knew they would fade. All my mom's had faded and I could barely tell she had them. I still thought she was the most beautiful woman in the world. So why did I care sooo much? Why did I want to hide my amazing child bearing body?

Gaining weight was much harder for me to deal with. My fist trimester I gained like maybe 3 pounds. By my second trimester I gained probably like 13 pounds. I had hardly even noticed that I gained weight. 13 pounds over 5-6 months doesn't feel like a lot. I still felt like me, aside from my new stretch mark friends. Then my third trimester came, in 4 weeks I gained another 13 pounds. It was rough. I felt HEAVY. I felt slow. I felt uncomfortable. And even more self conscious of all the stretch marks this sudden weight gain caused. For the first time in my life, when I looked in the mirror I didn't recognize myself. Anyone who has gained that much weight in a short amount of time knows the feelings I am talking about. I cried a lot. I wanted the old me back. I never realized before pregnancy that I would never fully look the way I did before. It made me depressed. Since the initial 30 lbs I gained, I have gained a total of 43 lbs during pregnancy. *I should put a disclaimer that I do not have any medical conditions causing my weight gain.* My doctor has told me most of my weight gain is due to water retention. In fact, he isn't concerned at all about the weight I have gained. So why have I been so bothered by it? Why won't I post more selfies on Instagram? Why don't I share my beautiful pregnant body with the world? Why do I want to crawl into a hole and hide from everyone?

When I look at social media, its hard for me to find pregnant women who look like me. Swollen, scarred, and over 180 lbs. But I know you women exist! So why are we hiding? I want to encourage all pregnant women to show themselves. To stop hiding. Post more belly pics. Stop caring about how your face, arms, thighs, butt looks at that angle. Be proud that you are carrying a precious child of God. Please know that having stretch marks or gaining weight is just as beautiful as not gaining weight and not attaining stretch marks. All pregnant women are different. All women are different. You are all beautiful. If we all post a little more of what pregnancy or just life is like for us, we won't feel so alone. We will take pride in knowing pregnancy and womanhood comes in all varieties. Showing the diversity in pregnancy brings unity and self confidence to pregnant women everywhere. So please, women, take the time to share a picture of what being a woman is like for you and use the hashtag #stophiding to help strengthen the confidence of women around the world.

Scars fade, weight comes off, swelling goes down, but the example of self love we can set for the babies we carry can last a life time. Your spouses think you're beautiful. Your children think you are beautiful. And I think you are beautiful. So #stophiding

How far along? 36 weeks
Weight Gain: 40 lbs :O
Sleep? It is really hit or miss these days. Sometimes I toss and turn all night. Other nights I sleep like a rock.
Challenges this week: Getting comfortable. Seriously I am uncomfortable all the time. I also hate not being able to fit in like any of my clothes. Its pretty sad. I can't wait to have my little tummy back.
Best moment this week: Finishing painting the crib! We are going to be assembling it today. I am so excited to just put the finishing touches on the nursery.
Weird pregnancy moment: Being hot all the time. I am normally freezing, but since the last trimester I am hot all the time haha
Movement: This girl has been the busiest body. She has been doing flips inside my belly. Since she has gotten so strong, her kicks are actually painful. Sometimes she gets me right in the tickle spot and my whole body flinches.
Food cravings: Good BBQ. All the restaurants from my home town. Sushi (I miss it so much).
Anything making you queasy? Not really. I think I am over the food aversions finally.
Symptoms: Leg cramps, headaches, sore muscles, dry mouth, and being sooo uncomfortable.
What are you looking forward to? Finally getting to meet this girl. I can't wait to snuggle her and dress her up in all her cute bows. Being a mom is going to be so fun!